You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize