fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
