I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
