She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
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$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
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i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.