There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night