The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.