Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
