And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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