I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Randomize
