he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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