Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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