Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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