I can't breathe out the right side of my face
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
