he puts the penis in happiness.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
