so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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