Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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