He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
