M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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