He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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