well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
