Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
