Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize