i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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