I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
