i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
