I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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