Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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