Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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