she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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