i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
