I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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