so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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