last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
