all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
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My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
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She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.