haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon