happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
