I met the friendliest cop last night
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
