Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
