they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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