He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
