Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
