I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
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