I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
