Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
