Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
