Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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