birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
