now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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