My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
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I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
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she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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