Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Dick very happy bro
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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