I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
