i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
