The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
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We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
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He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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