If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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