I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
im six kinds of drunk right now
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
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He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
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I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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