i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
ttyl tear gas
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
