I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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