My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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