you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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