So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
