I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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